Posts (page 2)

It has been non-stop reading of research papers so far. Really felt like giving up and throwing in the towel at times.

Then I recently came across this convocation speech that Bill Gates gave to the graduating class of Harvard, Telling them to go forth and do their best to reduce the inequalities around the world today. It was a very inspiring speech, and to me, it gave meaning to what seemed like endless hours spent mugging away and getting stressed up over something as trivial as exams. That, at the end of it, education should enable people to make the most out of their lives and to make a difference to people that need it, and people who matter.

While reading some technical documents today, I chanced upon some projects that were surprisingly similar to what I did for my final-year project, only much more in-depth, and much more impressive. I had thought that I did a good job at mine, having fulfilled all the objectives and handing in the deliverables on-time, despite a last-minute frantic rush. Yet some part of me felt there was something missing, that I hadn't pushed my limit and done my best. It's a sucky feeling when you keep accusing yourself that you could have done better. And today when I read through what people at other universities have done, I felt quite inspired and half-wished I was there in the midst of it all. Thankfully it helped me find meaning in the work I am doing, along with the promise that it was good work that would one day help make someone's life better.

And so now my prof wants me to chair a meeting among other profs, to take his place while he goes off somewhere traveling. Seems daunting to me, but I guess I'll have to start getting used to such stuff...

So I guess my balls didnt drop today at the presentation to a group of 4 professors and 4 PhD students. I think they were tired after bickering for 90 mins about some wireless network node distribution optimum configuration so they decided to let me do my half-time show in peace before resuming with their extremely technical analysis.

The meeting lasted three hours and by the end of it I had this headache from being continuously overwhelmed by stuff way beyond my level, and trying to fight the Zzz monster cos I had no part to play in the discussion. After a quick lunch, I attempted to finish my prof's paper which was crammed with so much technical information about models and statistical process analysis I lost count of the number of variables he was using and dozed off. Woke up suddenly and started blaming myself for skiiving on the job. Felt really useless that in three days at work, all I did was read three papers.

Talked to a PhD student about getting some direction on how to proceed in a useful manner without feeling so helpless and he said that it was very common to feel like this at the beginning. Felt much better after talking to him. Kinda put my focus back in place that my job is not about reading papers but really analysing the problem and thinking of a good solution. But still, my prof is a crazy high-flyer who seems to know (and control) everything, and being his direct worker I have to integrate and understand all parts of this project we are doing. He is beyond demanding, quite brilliant, and extremely busy. I suspect he has a clone, with all that work he has been doing.
 

I've really got to pick stuff up really fast now. If only to be able to show him I've been doing some reasonable work. I've got about three weeks to pick myself up, after which I expect to turn operational, which means I can start contributing actively to the weekly Thu meetings/debates. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it.

Went into uni to hand in my acceptance form for my first job - as a research engineer in NUS no less. Then I went to meet my professor cum masters adviser cum research programme manager, who rattled off loads of stuff regarding the project and technical aspects, as well as what I was going to be assigned to do. Basically I couldn't understand 75% of what he was saying. What I could fully understand was the part about me not having to pay any school fees, and his reluctant agreement to give me a free laptop to work with!

So after a wonderful lunch I managed to hijack a terminal in my lab and started to print out some research papers. Then I got a panic attack and started wondering why, oh why the hell did I choose to work in NUS, in research, and under such a brilliant and demanding professor. That was partly caused by him telling me to give a presentation this Thu to the rest of the research team (at least half are very eminent professors, and the other half, PhD aspirants). I could hear my balls drop.

Sighs, bo bian. I picked them up and went back to my cycle of self-assurance that this was gonna be a very good chance to learn a lot, publish some good papers, and possibly a good start to my career, whatever it may turn out to be. I dunno why I am so afraid of this job, or of this prof, or of working in general. Some part of me doesn't want to grow up and leave the educational institution, where I could just bum around all day and not take anything seriously. I didn't feel confident that I know enough, or anything at all, and I most certainly didn't want to be responsible for dragging the research team down, like I feel I have done in the past with some projects. It's an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.

I can handle self-blame very well - I have become very adept at it. But I can't console myself when I fail to contribute to a team and yet everyone is being really nice and tries to tell me that we have done our best. Sure you all have, but I haven't. And then I whine about it all day long. Even the most patient of my friends get pissed off.

For some reason I always stress myself. I think my prof detected it today when he suddenly started assuring me that the work is not as hard as it seems, and that he is not going to leave me in a little room to think of everything under the sun. Knowing me, I'd just freak out. Then I'd stress myself over being stressed. And I'd go into a state of malaise where no effective work gets done and, most of the time, at this juncture I fall sick. It's a fever no paracetamol pill can cure, because it is a mind trap. Eventually, I'd recover and sometimes I would make it in time to hand in a decent project and maybe scrape through. This cycle has been happening since secondary school, and this is how I got my 2nd-upper honors. Somehow my peers think very highly of me, but I reckon if this is how my work life is going to be, being in academic research, I'd rather forgo all this and go do something more menial and simple.

As it is, I am at the start of a new phase of my life and my career and I am convinced that if I ever want to succeed, and keep all my hair while doing it, I must make a drastic change in my mindset. I've gotta stop thinking about the stress and focus on my work ethic instead. And I need to have more discipline and yet take it easy, especially during presentations when my usual eloquence simply shuts down and I turn into a mumbling, shaking puddle of goo. Somehow, I've gotta make for myself a new life.

其实在人海茫茫之中所寻找与您心灵相通的人,

往往一直都在您身边默默地支持和关心您.

保重,

挚友

yups..finally confirmed my graduation with 2nd upper class honors. Not as fantastic as many of my friends who cleared their first-class, but I'm satisfied with what I've got, even how lazy I have mostly been. Finally scored an A for a level 4 module - kudos to my lecturer who really got me interested in the subject area, and my project team for just being brilliant perfectionists. Now I need to buck up and look forward to new things, and set some new directions for the next major phase of my life.

Career-wise, there's that research job that I'm doing. It's guaranteed to be tough - the subject area is technically challenging yet very promising. Ultra-wideband networks will be the next big mass-market technology since GSM, spanning application areas from smart homes to detection systems that can penetrate below ground and through walls. Sounds like a red-hot area to do some good research hmm? Picking up a Masters along the way. PhD is unlikely though, unless NUS makes me a scholarship offer I cant refuse. But if I can really live up to that calibre, I would probably go to the States for PhD. Berkeley, Stanford, Carnegie-Mellon or MIT? I hope I get the privilege d headache of choosing which one to attend.

And I really really need to get in shape. Been eating and sleeping so much I am starting to scare myself with how lazy I have become. Reinstalled Starcraft out of absolute boredom and played for five hours straight until I got a headache. ICT is coming up in July. And I really dont want to run that stupid 2.4km six rounds around the track. Will have to do some intensive training soon and take the test at Maju Camp . Hopefully I can make that $200 from the IPPT and pick up another $200 from ICT shooting range while getting my regular pay. :)
 

I jsut had a crazy idea while I was bathing, dont ask me why. I was wondering if I could whip myself in shape enough to run the Standard Chartered Marathon this December. Kinda got inspired by the Aviva Corporate Marathon ads on tv. I figured that if I could run a decent timing for IPPT ad train thereafters for the Sheares Bridge Run, there is a minute chance I may actually make a marathon at age 25.

Right now, I'm heading out for supper with the guys to celebrate our graduation. Will think of more fun ideas soon.

Watched 'pirates3' with an old friend today. Didnt quite catch the story cos i missed 'pirates2' but the show was quite good with great effects. Johnny Depp was hilarious in his quirky way, as usual. Movie was a bit too long; found myself wondering if it would ever end.

Anyway, my friend happens to be working in MTI as an economist and he is drawing SGD3.5k a month. Blarrdy hell, who says arts grads get paid less?! His pay beats anyone I know hands down. And not withstanding his 3-month civil service bonus! Gosh, it really makes me wonder constantly if I chose the right path of going into research and graduate study, when the job market out there is red hot.

Nobody I know so far is staying in NUS, with the exception of a brilliant, budding immunologist. But his case is different. His arena is research in the life sciences and he has a very solid foundation and work environment. In contrast, I have to work practically from scratch to read up on my domain knowledge. And my boss is not known for staying around to help his students much. He is one of those super-achieving types - principal scientist in a research institute, lecturer for two modules a semester, one of which is at graduate level; project manager of a SGD15 million R&D project funded by the government; and in the middle of all this find time to manage a publication list that makes me giddy even trying to read it. I'm gettin' thrown into the deep end of the pool here. Dunno if I am up to such high performance expectations.

Been thinking about my career prospects and direction quite a lot these days. Feelin' quite inadequate around my peers who seem to be doing very well. Does feel a bit weird that I am going back to study for another 2 years, instead of making big bucks out there. And the high expectations I'm subjected to, given the unfamiliarity of my work environment. It gets mental.

Exam results out in seven hours. Not sure if I am looking forward to it.
 

Re-formatted my PC and installed Windows Vista on it after giving it a memory boost. System is running quite fast now, and I've got a wireless home network and a pretty awesome GUI courtesy of the folks at Redmond. Haven't got any games installed but I dont think I will be playing much anytime soon. Wanna save it all up for Starcraft 2.

Managed to rent quite a few DVDs to watch. 'Letters from Iwo Jima' was quite good, though emotional. Huge contrast with 'Pearl Harbour'. I should watch 'Flags of our Fathers' soon. Now left with "Babel', 'Blood Diamond' and ''The Fountain' - looking forward to them. Gonna watch 'Pirates3' tomorrow. And "Shrek3' soon. And maybe some international films.

Been spending some time working on renovation plans for MM. Really like Sihui's idea of a lounge concept, seems like it could actually free up more space to move around while keeping a cosy area good for chilling. Gonna have to think up some design and color themes to give the cafe a more unique identity. Things looks good so far. It's a perfect excuse for me to go around cafes and chill-spots in SG to check out their design concepts and decor, all in the name of research.

Speaking of which, I've have to get started on my self-reading to prepare for my research job. After four years in NUS I still don't feel I know a lot. I've merely 'gone through the motion' of studying for exams, doing projects and mindless presentation ramblings. I'm not convinced I know enough to be expected of a graduate student; and my prof will probably constantly drive this point across. Gotta get started on my research papers and textbooks. I think they will make me do up a research proposal very soon.

And I desperately need to read. I have this weird, and costly, habit of buying or borrowing books that I never read. Even my Harry Potter books, which I bought in order to verify that they are better than the movies, remain untouched and now yellowed. Need to clear them fast. After that, I wanna read the Dragonlance Chronicles again. Call it rediscovering the magic of fantasy realms.

Still enjoying the luxury of having nothing to do but wallow at home. Gettin' fat. Will probably exercise when I feel like it. Or I can just simulate exercise by watch sports on tv, like the Champions League finals tonite. Go Liverpool! :) 

Think I've got about 2 weeks left before officially starting on my research job.  Treating it with dreadful anticipation - demanding professor, insanely regular work hours and a subject domain which I think I know practically nothing about. Dunno how I'm gonna handle it but it beats doing nothing all day at home - already finished playing CnC3 long ago, and Starcraft2 wont be released anytime soon. Will probably scramble to read as many research papers and textbooks as I can. Looking forward to my first paycheck. :)

In the meantime there's also MM renovation work to confirm. Am actually quite clueless over how to go about doing it. No idea who to contact, or how to work through the design and planning process, since I've never done something like this before. Taking it a step at a time but I hope it gets finalised soon.

Ss10-hires

Been waiting ages for this game. Knew it would come out all along - there was too much unfinished business in the last expansion. Could hardly describe the excitement I felt while watching the trailer. At last, the story continues for one of my all-time favorite RTSGs.

Knowing Blizzard, it'd probably take quite a while for them to perfect the game. But I'm very confident of their high-quality gameplay and storyline. And, ohh the cinematic cut-scenes are gonna be superb. Not to mention extremely addicitive multi-player support. People who play World of Warcraft and Warcraft3 ladder will vouch for this.

I really cant wait!!!

Went cycling today to satisfy my wanderlust. Booked a bike for the whole day at East Coast Park and cycled to Bedok for the famous bah cho mee. We were unsure where it was so we popped by my 2nd auntie's stall in Bedok Market to ask her, and also to pay a visit. Boy, was she stunned to see me, since she only sees me once a year at CNY. She was even more stunned when I mentioned I cycled all the way to Bedok. But in any case, we got our directions and set off eagerly. Only to find upon arrival that the stall was CLOSED! Dang, after travelling so many kilometres we still couldnt eat the bah cho mee....Apparently it opens only in the evening..Made do with some Hokkien mee.

After lunch, we cycled to Bedok Reservoir Park and enjoyed its serene tranquility. Moved onto the Tampines Park Connector to pass by Tampines Mall, and subsequently Pasir Ris Park almost to where we had our MM chalet last week. After a break to take pictures and chit-chat, we decided to set on our return journey. On the way we popped by White Sands for my fav. Ben and Jerry's. The mix-and-match combo was heavenly, esp. in the sweltering midday heat. Many kids passed by, their eyes fixated on our ice cream platter. I counted at least six new flavors I havent seen before. Looks like I will be having quite some B&J in the very near future.

After a very satisfying ice-cream-tea-break, we cycled back to Bedok Reservoir Park. The park is really big and the slopes didnt help our aching joint muscles during the cycling. Chose a nice high spot to take a break and enjoy the scenery. It's a very nice place to jog - the air is really fresh and the place is very peaceful. Probably a good place to train for IPPT, speaking of which mine is coming up again and I really hate the six-rounds-around-the-track 2.4km run. Gimme East Coast Park anyday.

Took the Siglap Park Connector back towards ECP and passed by many nice terrace houses along the way. After a surprisingly short ride, we found ourselves at VJC. From the outside it looked very much different from what I remembered, a testimony to how many years have passed since I was in JC. Sighs..the good old days...

Reached ECP soon after and returned our bikes. Surprisingly, we were earlier than I had planned. Either Singapore is smaller than I expected, or the park connectors wre really well designed to minimize the travel time in between the various parks in the Eastern part of Singapore. I think it's a really cool idea to build a park connector network. Cyclists wont have to worry about getting lost and can enjoy cycling through the various estates in Singapore along the well paved tracks. Kudos to NPB! Looking forward to a full island-wide connected network so that I can cycle around Singapore in a day! :)

Had dinner at the kopi tiam near my place, one of the numerous. Had 'ban mian' and 'guo tie'. Again, it was fantastisch! What a wonderful way to end the day, and the week. :)