It has been non-stop reading of research papers so far. Really felt like giving up and throwing in the towel at times.
Then I recently came across this convocation speech that Bill Gates gave to the graduating class of Harvard, Telling them to go forth and do their best to reduce the inequalities around the world today. It was a very inspiring speech, and to me, it gave meaning to what seemed like endless hours spent mugging away and getting stressed up over something as trivial as exams. That, at the end of it, education should enable people to make the most out of their lives and to make a difference to people that need it, and people who matter.
While reading some technical documents today, I chanced upon some projects that were surprisingly similar to what I did for my final-year project, only much more in-depth, and much more impressive. I had thought that I did a good job at mine, having fulfilled all the objectives and handing in the deliverables on-time, despite a last-minute frantic rush. Yet some part of me felt there was something missing, that I hadn't pushed my limit and done my best. It's a sucky feeling when you keep accusing yourself that you could have done better. And today when I read through what people at other universities have done, I felt quite inspired and half-wished I was there in the midst of it all. Thankfully it helped me find meaning in the work I am doing, along with the promise that it was good work that would one day help make someone's life better.
And so now my prof wants me to chair a meeting among other profs, to take his place while he goes off somewhere traveling. Seems daunting to me, but I guess I'll have to start getting used to such stuff...
So I guess my balls didnt drop today at the presentation to a group of 4 professors and 4 PhD students. I think they were tired after bickering for 90 mins about some wireless network node distribution optimum configuration so they decided to let me do my half-time show in peace before resuming with their extremely technical analysis.
The meeting lasted three hours and by the end of it I had this headache from being continuously overwhelmed by stuff way beyond my level, and trying to fight the Zzz monster cos I had no part to play in the discussion. After a quick lunch, I attempted to finish my prof's paper which was crammed with so much technical information about models and statistical process analysis I lost count of the number of variables he was using and dozed off. Woke up suddenly and started blaming myself for skiiving on the job. Felt really useless that in three days at work, all I did was read three papers.
Talked to a PhD student about getting some direction on how to proceed in a useful manner without feeling so helpless and he said that it was very common to feel like this at the beginning. Felt much better after talking to him. Kinda put my focus back in place that my job is not about reading papers but really analysing the problem and thinking of a good solution. But still, my prof is a crazy high-flyer who seems to know (and control) everything, and being his direct worker I have to integrate and understand all parts of this project we are doing. He is beyond demanding, quite brilliant, and extremely busy. I suspect he has a clone, with all that work he has been doing.
I've really got to pick stuff up really fast now. If only to be able to show him I've been doing some reasonable work. I've got about three weeks to pick myself up, after which I expect to turn operational, which means I can start contributing actively to the weekly Thu meetings/debates. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it.
Went into uni to hand in my acceptance form for my first job - as a research engineer in NUS no less. Then I went to meet my professor cum masters adviser cum research programme manager, who rattled off loads of stuff regarding the project and technical aspects, as well as what I was going to be assigned to do. Basically I couldn't understand 75% of what he was saying. What I could fully understand was the part about me not having to pay any school fees, and his reluctant agreement to give me a free laptop to work with!
So after a wonderful lunch I managed to hijack a terminal in my lab and started to print out some research papers. Then I got a panic attack and started wondering why, oh why the hell did I choose to work in NUS, in research, and under such a brilliant and demanding professor. That was partly caused by him telling me to give a presentation this Thu to the rest of the research team (at least half are very eminent professors, and the other half, PhD aspirants). I could hear my balls drop.
Sighs, bo bian. I picked them up and went back to my cycle of self-assurance that this was gonna be a very good chance to learn a lot, publish some good papers, and possibly a good start to my career, whatever it may turn out to be. I dunno why I am so afraid of this job, or of this prof, or of working in general. Some part of me doesn't want to grow up and leave the educational institution, where I could just bum around all day and not take anything seriously. I didn't feel confident that I know enough, or anything at all, and I most certainly didn't want to be responsible for dragging the research team down, like I feel I have done in the past with some projects. It's an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.
I can handle self-blame very well - I have become very adept at it. But I can't console myself when I fail to contribute to a team and yet everyone is being really nice and tries to tell me that we have done our best. Sure you all have, but I haven't. And then I whine about it all day long. Even the most patient of my friends get pissed off.
For some reason I always stress myself. I think my prof detected it today when he suddenly started assuring me that the work is not as hard as it seems, and that he is not going to leave me in a little room to think of everything under the sun. Knowing me, I'd just freak out. Then I'd stress myself over being stressed. And I'd go into a state of malaise where no effective work gets done and, most of the time, at this juncture I fall sick. It's a fever no paracetamol pill can cure, because it is a mind trap. Eventually, I'd recover and sometimes I would make it in time to hand in a decent project and maybe scrape through. This cycle has been happening since secondary school, and this is how I got my 2nd-upper honors. Somehow my peers think very highly of me, but I reckon if this is how my work life is going to be, being in academic research, I'd rather forgo all this and go do something more menial and simple.
As it is, I am at the start of a new phase of my life and my career and I am convinced that if I ever want to succeed, and keep all my hair while doing it, I must make a drastic change in my mindset. I've gotta stop thinking about the stress and focus on my work ethic instead. And I need to have more discipline and yet take it easy, especially during presentations when my usual eloquence simply shuts down and I turn into a mumbling, shaking puddle of goo. Somehow, I've gotta make for myself a new life.
其实在人海茫茫之中所寻找与您心灵相通的人,
往往一直都在您身边默默地支持和关心您.
保重,
挚友
