... Or what is left of it.
Right now, I'm sitting in the school library while waiting for the girlfriend to finish with her research meeting. Realised that I haven't blogged for a damn long while over here and here I am.
Just before this, I was reading GURPS Mysteries, which I happily printed from PDF in the library (saves me so much cost as compared to the paid version.) Yes - Pirate. I know. What really caught my eye was that the writer of the sourcebook actually worked as a criminal defense attorney before she entered into the gaming industry. I mean, how cool is that, to write an RPG book on the sideline based on something that you have passion and the knowledge for? I wish I could do something like that.
Being in Singapore, the big issue has always been the conflict between passion and stablity. It's one of those long standing debates that Andy and I have spent countless hours talking about during our meetups. So I guess it dawned upon me that I should really aim to focus on what I am interested in. The rest will fall into place. I love linguistics, and I intend to dabble in it for a long while, hopefully forever. Who knows - maybe one day I will be writing a book for GURPS - Languages.
Welcome to my geek world.
Well it seems like I haven't been blogging much on this platform. At the end of the day, I went back to the old blogger one. Too much emotional investment, too much to leave behind. Perhaps that's why I've always been reluctant to consider the option of furthering my studies overseas. I'm simply too grounded to Singapore and the people here to move on. Whether for better or for worse I do not know, but it's a choice that I have made, and I'll stick to it.
Been struggling with the prospect that year 4 is going to be a challenging one indeed. Not only with the academic aspect, but also on the front of Munchie Monkey Cafe. Leadership has never been one of my strengths, and choosing to take up the role of Senior Executive is a great leap of faith. One that does not rely solely on passion.
As one of the more poignant stories in The Sandman stated, in dreams sometimes you wake, sometimes you fall. And sometimes you fly.
This is that dream.
It's interesting how in the quest for selflessness in trying to help another person(s), we are indirectly doing it in a self serving way, to satisfy our need to belong. This need to belong may perhaps be argued as a core component in our psyche under Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Looking around us, it is clear that people exhibit a want to identify with a certain group, from the kid who wants to dress cool so that he can go out with his friends, to the simple housewife wanting to 'keep up with the Jones', we cannot deny that group bias is there. Even in nature, animals form up in communities and hunting packs. Seldom do we find pure individualism around us. In this sense, it is about time we started to question whether there is such a thing such as 'true' selflessness in this universe. Why do we do what we do? Is there something else behind all those good deeds that we attempt to do on a everyday basis. Just for the sake of humankind? Really, that's it?
After a wonderful 8 days in Taiwan, I'm back in sunny and humid Singapore. I must say that unlike those who have the wanderlust, I missed this place quite a bit. Was really glad to take the plane back on the last day as touring was starting to take its toll on me. For the record Stella and my brother have fallen ill during the trip, and I'm still holding out....hopefully I don't succumb.
Now that I'm back, I hopefully can finally start enjoying the holidays. Not that I didn't enjoy Taiwan - I did, really, just that touring usually tires me out a lot. Feels a bit like getting drunk and landing yourself in some form of stasis or dreamtime in another place, and upon returning you feel somewhat out of touch with the world. Speaking of which, I plan to meet up with old friends, and people that I've not seen for a damn long time. Sheena - you're on the list! I hope you're reading this. Was hoping to catch you or something on my SIA flight back :P Next up would be gaming - hoping to start Cthulhu Dark Ages since my shipment from Amazon just arrived with my minis and games. Great stuff - i'll continue to purchase from them if I can in future.
Today...I've learnt about parental love.
Was over at the boyfriend's place for dinner this evening and was talking to his mum who was enthusiastically telling me about how the boyfriend and his brother were when they were younger. I had a great time listening to her, especially when she told me the things she and their dad did since they were young. Both she and uncle really love their sons and they really go at length to show it.
I wouldn't go into detail here but the things she said certainly touched me and brought some tears to my eyes (which, of course, I had to control).
Seeing how much they love their sons, it made me want to love the boyfriend even more. It's like this desire to carry on this love and to make sure he's cared for and all. It also made me respect his parents alot more, and I would want to do all I can to be nice to them.
And I also thought about my own mummy and daddy. How they have been very tolerant with a brat like me. And how my dad recently gave me a kiss on my forehead, something which he hasn't done in years. I feel like a little girl all over again, and bah..thinking about it makes me want to cry. (Yes I'm a cry baby)
I really wonder what it would be like for me to be a mother.
I really wonder if I can live up to being one.
Because all I really want for him/her/them is that they'll be happy whatever they do, and that they'll live with integrity in their life, and be a blessing in society. I guess I just want to really love them. In an appropriate way.
Watched The Devil Wears Prada with the boyfriend today.
We thought it was a chick flick but well... it has some sobering lessons to impart.
I took this from the movie and I totally agree with it. What we do in life doesn't and shouldn't matter, as long as we do what we do with integrity. As long as we can look back at ourselves with dignity and pride. I think that's the most important. No one should tell us what to do with our lives and no one should take us away from our dreams. But it all lies within us to put in our all to achieve them.
Well, other than Anne Hathaw*y's weird face and so-so acting skills... it's quite a nice movie to watch.
Just gotta watch this. Hilarious shit.
I know it for sure when the study mood hits in. It's a fact that my mind wanders a lot, I dream a lot and think about the the future when what's in the present hasn't been settled yet.
Then one day I wake up with a dead sense of calm, and I know that it is time for me to wake up. My mind works faster, and my absorbtion of information increases significantly. I'm not saying I'm some sort of superhero. I'm just impressed at the way my body and mind responds almost on instinct as if it had always a life of its own - just lying dormant until the time draws near. The subconscious, maybe? Whatever it is, there is this underlying sense of thrill as the deadlines draw near, and some part of me wants to rise up to accept this challenge, to push my own boundaries. I'm inherrently competitive against myself. Maybe that's why I hope to continue in academia - it offers me a satisfaction that I don't think I can get anywhere else for now.
Once all this is over, I'm going to take a damn good break.
Of late, I've been increasingly interested in Philosophy. I guess its starting to occur to me that the field of Philosophy forms the basis of almost everything in the Arts and even Sciences. I don't have the time to now, but I'll probably read up more during the holidays. I bought a book on the teachings of Aristotle a couple of years back, but I've yet to read it. It's since migrated to the toilet, where I can flip though a couple of pages as I take some time off my work ;)
Such irony, that Aristotle's teachings belong right where my toilet is.
I used to think, when I was younger, that everyone in this world has 'the one' waiting for them in their lives. And it only comes sooner or later. (Of course there are those who would remain as singles..but I'm not talking about them right now). But with enough (though not alot) experience to make sense of things, I dont think I easily subscribe to the notion of 'the one'. Because perhaps it sounds too idealistic for me. But I do believe that when we meet a person who sweeps us off our feet, and who adds colour to our lives, and who seems to complement us in ways that are far beyond our imagination, that person is certainly special. It just depends on where we are, who we meet, and in which order we meet them. Of course if you're religiously governed, then perhaps this 'the one' thing is something you can make sense of.
I think it's a wonderful feeling to be with a person who's just right in many aspects of your life. The amount of freedom and space that I get, the method of communication, the way he reacts when I'm unhappy, the amount of relenting when I want things my way (I need a guy who doesn't always give in.), the amount of pampering, the way we solve problems, the way we look at problems and tide through them, our interests and friends, the huge amount of trust he has for me and the disregard of my past.... etc, they are all pretty just right. While I'm taking a practical stand and understand that it's only in our fantasy that perfection can be attained, I do believe that a relationship can be kept beautiful if the two hearts involved 'beat as one' and agree on pertinent issues. I can't say for sure that everything now would remain as it is many years down the road. And hell, I'm of course afraid that things will change (I get very very afraid thinking about things like that), but I'm comforted with the fact that he's willing to try to put in his all to make things right.
I have been with various people in my life ( Im not talking about intimate relationships...just those people whom I'm close to in certain points of my life), and the more I am with them, the more I know myself and the more I know what I need.
And that being said, I can't help but appreciate who I am with even more.
Maybe this sounds stupid, but I'm a person who does random things based strongly on my gut feelings. I make out-of-the-blue decisions just because something random nudges me on to do something. Most of the time, I am happy with the decisions that I make and I would never have them otherwise. Of course there are times when I'm not too sure either.
So this is me. When I set my eyes on an object that invokes certain special feelings that I can't put my finger to, I would attempt to make it mine. Even if it didn't take too much rationality on my part to arrive at that decision.
